so yeah, i miss this boy more then words.

i really just wanted him all to myself tonight
i wanted to hug him, kiss him, play spoons, watch movies, snuggle, be gross,
and all the things we do.
but now i hear he's visiting j & j,
i don't mind about that...
i love them,
it's just, i wish he told me.
maybe he did, maybe i didn't listen like usual,
but i feel sad.
we've been really rocky lately to be honest with you mister blog.
the pills making me evil and schools making him stress.
which means now when he's angry i just get angry too,
which turns into this stupid circle of cranky.
so now all i really want to do with my time is be with him, sleep in his bed, wake up next to him, play fight, talk, lay in the grass, hold his hand, rest my head against his chest... i just want him here.
eh, 4 days till he finishes school - loses his stress.
about 95 untill i lose all this unnecessary emotion.
i'm going back on those tablets,
the pms ones, and mums getting me the herbal version of anti depressants.
i guess she's the only one who sees these things in me.
i'm such a hypocrite. "be happy."
"lifes too short to be sad."
"everything will be okay, it is okay."
i have to say these things to myself aswell lately.
happy tablets here i come!


i wish i was as happy as i was a few weeks ago,
i wonder what made things this hectic.
well actually i know,
a build up of stored feelings and a tiny pill packed with hormones to bring them out.
funny that, a pill so small has such a big affect on me.
mum should get me those herbal pills tomorrow.



eff yeah?

i've decided that school was actually a good place for me
i just never realised
there hasn't been a single day where i haven't missed it
which is strange
but my business there is unfinished.
sure, i will be redoing year 11
but at least this time i can pick the subjects i want
and i know what's in store.
maybe i'll fit in the year
i'm more confident
maybe it will show.
hopefully the teachers won't hate me
and i can regain old trust that i have diminished.



i can do things like this again.

but yet going back won't taste so sweet
i'm afraid i will be losing my best friend
the girl i cherish with every cell in my body.
i do not know whether to class it as a threat
though it sounded like it.
she says she'll move to melbourne
study at rmit
if i go back to school.
the hsc is two years
so is her course.
two years without a security blanket will be hell
i'll have to rely on the others
and although that's okay
it's not the same.
i get teary thinking about her not being there
i love her to death
and beyond.
she's the one best friend i've aimed to keep
no matter how things go
i cannot be without you maddison.
you are the one person i need.

finding the right words to explain myself is becoming harder
i never feel one emotion
i don't think i know how to do so.
everyday is becoming a repeat
every week is another wasted
yet i never know how to solve this.
find something new? something different?
maybe that could be enough
but, the only way i know how to change lyes within my looks.
get a job, take your piercings out, go to school, dye your hair;
daily thoughts that i never listen to.
i don't know how to listen
to take something in
life doesn't seem like a hard, unachievable rat race to me.
life is easy, everlasting and speedy to me.
the day when i see the world like everyone else does will be the day i am no longer myself
i believe the reality of this world might be my downfall.
i've had tastes of reality before, but never the whole spoonful,
and i am scared to see what happens next.
it's a strange thought to think that everything in my life could suddenly come crashing down,
and i might just not be able to keep my head above the water.
i do not mean this in any kind of unstable way;
this is just merely a thought in my head.



i do not want to see the world the way you do
i do not want to feel the way you do
i do not want to realise who i am
or that people in the world aren't what i think.
i do not want reality to destroy me.

i did it!
i cut the shit out of my hair
i think i like it
it's different
i've never been this short
but it's good.

 

a lot of my favourite photography contains bunnies in it
i do not know why.

beautiful.

mitch always brings up the topic of when he first met me
and it makes me think.
i understand how different i must be to him now
although i never changed
he just never saw the real me
and now he knows me better than anyone else.
the first night he met me i was just a quiet little confused girl
yet, it was only months ago.
i think he met me at the most complicated stage of my life
everything was so confusing
and i didn't trust hardly anyone
i hardly remember being happy at that point in time
i really don't think i was, at all.
i must admit i am a lot more then you'll bargain for
i'm not the normal type of girl really
i am fascinated by people
and myself.
i think the type of person mitch first saw was the opposite of myself
i keep a pretty tight guard.
he found me out very quickly
and he really does care
more then any boy i've ever seen has cared for a girl
and that girl is me
i am lucky.
i lowered my head
and looked down at the ground
he says i am interesting.
i've never interested anyone.
just him.
it's a good feeling.