hating on short hair.
i want this back.

so yeah, i miss this boy more then words.

i really just wanted him all to myself tonight
i wanted to hug him, kiss him, play spoons, watch movies, snuggle, be gross,
and all the things we do.
but now i hear he's visiting j & j,
i don't mind about that...
i love them,
it's just, i wish he told me.
maybe he did, maybe i didn't listen like usual,
but i feel sad.
we've been really rocky lately to be honest with you mister blog.
the pills making me evil and schools making him stress.
which means now when he's angry i just get angry too,
which turns into this stupid circle of cranky.
so now all i really want to do with my time is be with him, sleep in his bed, wake up next to him, play fight, talk, lay in the grass, hold his hand, rest my head against his chest... i just want him here.
eh, 4 days till he finishes school - loses his stress.
about 95 untill i lose all this unnecessary emotion.
i'm going back on those tablets,
the pms ones, and mums getting me the herbal version of anti depressants.
i guess she's the only one who sees these things in me.
i'm such a hypocrite. "be happy."
"lifes too short to be sad."
"everything will be okay, it is okay."
i have to say these things to myself aswell lately.
happy tablets here i come!


i wish i was as happy as i was a few weeks ago,
i wonder what made things this hectic.
well actually i know,
a build up of stored feelings and a tiny pill packed with hormones to bring them out.
funny that, a pill so small has such a big affect on me.
mum should get me those herbal pills tomorrow.



eff yeah?

i've decided that school was actually a good place for me
i just never realised
there hasn't been a single day where i haven't missed it
which is strange
but my business there is unfinished.
sure, i will be redoing year 11
but at least this time i can pick the subjects i want
and i know what's in store.
maybe i'll fit in the year
i'm more confident
maybe it will show.
hopefully the teachers won't hate me
and i can regain old trust that i have diminished.



i can do things like this again.

but yet going back won't taste so sweet
i'm afraid i will be losing my best friend
the girl i cherish with every cell in my body.
i do not know whether to class it as a threat
though it sounded like it.
she says she'll move to melbourne
study at rmit
if i go back to school.
the hsc is two years
so is her course.
two years without a security blanket will be hell
i'll have to rely on the others
and although that's okay
it's not the same.
i get teary thinking about her not being there
i love her to death
and beyond.
she's the one best friend i've aimed to keep
no matter how things go
i cannot be without you maddison.
you are the one person i need.