confess it all

dear mitchell,
i'm about to admit everything i have wanted to say to you for the past week or so...
you may not like it, you may break up with me, it might make things worse, i just need to say it.

i know i haven't been myself, i know i haven't loved life or anything, but you met me at a time where everything was fresh and new, i just quit school and i was hanging out with maddi, i felt beautiful all the time and people loved me, and i loved them all back... everything was so cool, i didn't have a label. i was just always smiling and i always got what i wanted... well usually. sometimes.
and now that i'm going back to school i'm just spending my days being lazy or getting drunk and none of that's really fun to me anymore, my party life inside myself is fading and i just need to lay off, so after alex's 18th i might kinda die it down for a while, plus i'll be back at school, a totally new school and totally new everything. which is amazing. i can't wait. i have a feeling that will rekindle the flame of happiness and optimism that lately has almost gone out.
i know i've been sad a lot, lonely a lot, needy all the time, i've been an attention seeker with you having the only attention i've wanted or sort after. it's silly i know. i've been quick to anger which is so unlike me and i've been getting extremely annoyed very easy. but so have you!
i make smart arse remarks, i always have, ask maddi, i pay her out soooo much.  but you just get upset at me for it... always. and you pay me out aswell. i just don't find it fair. i like calling you names and punching on with you. i think that's cute... but it's not when you just turn malicious and make it a fight. that's just how i see it.
and you always ask me if i still love you, of course i do, i wouldn't be with you if i didn't. and i'll be completely honest with you right now, i have had my doubts, but that quickly ends and everythings okay again.
last week at alex's was like a massive turning point for me, ever since then i've realised what i need to do and how i need to be around you... but i don't want to not act like myself just because i'm scared you might get cranky at something i've said. i don't want to have to hold my tongue around you.
i know we are a really strong couple and we overtake all obstacles that we find. i just need to target some problems i have. or have had lately.
i know this one might hurt, but when you ask me if i still love you, i ask the same question in my head about you. it's not because we were fighting or whatever, i just honestly ask myself that. and i know you say you love me more then you ever have before, and sometimes i feel like that. but not all the time.
i've felt like that for a while, i know it's stupid, something just feels different between us. i don't know what it is or why it is. 
i hate when you're angry. i hate when you're angry at me more.
i know i'm a freak, i'm probably the psycho in this relationship and just can't see it.
i just don't feel like you feel like you used to.
and then i don't feel like i used to.
i hope i'm wrong, i hope we'll be fine and happy forever.
just bare with me while i sort myself and my life out and i'll do the same for you.
i know you're going through a rough time, but just as you said about lukas, we all are.
i'm going to figure myself out and then i'll be right there for you.
and now for the things i love about us...
i love how we cuddle, i love how warm you are all over my body, i love how much sex we have and all the places we have it, i love how you experiment just as much as i do and i love that we are comfortable enough to do so, i love that you don't care about my gay music usually, i love your family and i love that i love them and i love all of the people you've introduced me to, i sometimes love how jealous i get, i love how you inspire me, i love how you always want the best for me, i love how i feel when i'm around you or when you hug me, i love how i get goosebumps when you kiss my neck and i love the little butterflies you give me when you're being cute, i love how my eyes light up when you send me a text message or call me out of the blue, i love how we can talk about anything, i love how you try to make me eat new foods, i love how you want to be me me forever and how i feel the exact same, i love how sometimes i can cheer you up when you're angry or sad, i love how compassionate you are about your friends and family when you need to be, i love how whipped you once were and how you did anything for me even if i gave you nothing in return, i love how you're always you and even if you think you don't know who you really are.. i do. and i love how much i love you. i love how much i always will.
i love you mitchell paul ayton.
more then jasmine loves aladin, more then the beauty loves the beast, more then what's her face from p.s. i love you loved gerry.
you are the love of my life so far.
and hopefully forever.

here's to a happy future.


(the word love is used sooo many times)